even though we never saw eye to eye, when someone you know personally dies so tragically, you can't help but feel affected.

i thought i'd never hear from you again. I'd heard the rumours about how your life had turned out and to be brutally honest, i wasn't surprised and to be even more brutal, i didn't care. but at 22, you had so much to live for and you threw it all away.

but most of all, i really feel for your family, because one cannot begin to imagine what they're going through right now. They're lives have been torn apart, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

RIP hamish.


E.

you just can't keep your mouth shut, can you?

just for future reference: this is how trust gets broken.


E.

i don't mean to be a bitch to you but when you're drunk, a lot of shit gets thrown around.

you're my friend and i in no way wish to say those thing in a malicious tone. if you dish it out, you should be able to take it. I'll take anything that we throw at each other (because that's what friends do).
truthfully, i'm embarrassed. it's the kind of stuff that people throw around the school yard. what are we, twelve?

and although you say you don't care, i know you really do.

so if i hurt you in any way, i'm sorry.


E.

so this is definitely looking like 'friends with benefits' right now, even though we're both denying it to each other.
but what do you call it when there's an emotional attachment, but you're not together? (just to put it lightly...this shit is fucked.)

and i know i said i didn't want to go there, but i think for now, i'm happy just to enjoy being with you.


E.

well that's 6 hours of my life that i'll never get back.


E.

i know you're going to find this post eventually, so i thought i'd challenge you and at least write it in french :P




Je peux enfin dormir maintenant, sachant ce qui se passe dans ta tête.
mais s'il te plaît ne pas me confondre avec les chiennes stupide que vous avez déjà daté, je comprends. mais tu devrais me laisser vous aider à le comprendre. Je veux t'aider.

Je ne peux pas décrire ce que j'ai ressenti lorsque vous avez ouvert à moi comme ça. pour quelqu'un de faire confiance à quelqu'un comme ça prend beaucoup de courage, et je respecte cela. Je respecte tes mœurs, les croyances et l'éducation. Je peux m'identifier à eux.
tu ne devrais pas avoir honte de la personne que tu étais devenu. changer les gens et de ses périodes de changement de ce genre que vous trouver qui se soucie vraiment de toi. Croyez-moi quand je dis que je sais exactement comment il se sent.

et que pour ma vie est en noir et blanc? Je ne pouvais pas être plus d'accord et je le déteste. mais la nuit dernière, il a été brièvement gris et il a été l'une des meilleures soirées de ma vie entière. et la meilleure partie, c'était que je suis arrivé à la passer avec toi.
et juste entre toi et moi, j'espère que ce n'est pas la dernière.

peu importe ce qui se passe, il n'ya pas de regrets.


E.

its no longer a question of why anymore.

right now, questions of what are running riot in my mind.


E.

seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
sometimes its hard to follow your heart.


E.

"cmon, you have a serious ranga/strawberry blonde fettish!"

hahaha, this is true. but someones gotta show them some love :P


E.

losing control like that was the scariest thing i have ever felt.

but i was free.


E.

what is meant for you will not pass you by

or maybe we're just too weak to create our own destiny.


E.

i've come to the conclusion that being confused is the worst feeling in the world.
or rather, perhaps i've been confusing 'confused' with 'paranoia'...

*cue the philisophical thinking music*

is there a difference? maybe we mask our fear with being confused, because it makes us look better. trying to understand is somehow more socially accepted than not understanding at all.
but really, its nothing more than a feeling of insecurity and inferiority, no matter how many ways you try and read it.

so, in an attempt to not sound stupid, i'm trying to understand this (but really, i don't understand at all. following so far?)
so help me understand.

it's the fear of the unknown.


E.

the following dream freaked me out so much that i had an epiphany :S


so it starts out that i am a member of Dr. House's team (random?) with the rest of the usual team and we're all looking at our GAMSAT results. now, i'm already a doctor in this dream, so why i'd be doing this i have no idea. BUT knowing that i require a score of 50 in all sections of the test to get into medicine, we were all discussing. i open my envelope only to find that i achieved the monumental score of '2.84' whilst everyone else got 50's and 60's.


i think it's time i started cramming for this thing.


E.

j'espère que tu comprends qu'il n'a pas à être comme ça.

mais tu ne peux pas avoir les deux.


E.

to love is to risk not being loved in return. to hope is to risk pain. to try is to risk failure. but risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all.


E.

"this year is going to be a good year"

yes, it will be ;)


E.

because that's not awkward...


E.

the only thing i can think about after reading your text is 'i'm so glad you told me'.
but what do i even say to that? if i even do say anything back at all. i do still want to be friends with you, but i'm not sure if that will ever be enough for me, and that is the honest truth.

and although it hurts to read, at least i can stop pondering the 'what if' and finally move on to the next stage in my life.

but perhaps next time, instead of cowering behind your phone screen, you should tell me to my face. i would've held a higher degree of respect for you otherwise.
but in your favour, at least you had the decency to tell me.


E.

then indecision brings its own delays,
and days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
are you in earnest? seize this very minute;
what you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
boldness has genius, power and magic in it.


E.

stop torturing me like this. the unknown is killing me inside.


E.