anywhere else but here and there

i don't know why i did it in the first place, but i guess everything happens for a reason, right?

well, that's what they say.

although its a second chance that i'm struggling to convince myself that you really deserve, i know you will deserve it if you are willing to change. i can't change you and i can't help you, but i'm willing to go to the ends of the earth to support you.

i guess you never really know what you've got or how much you love someone until you lose them. that's exactly what i witnessed with you that past few days.

just when we thought darkness had descended upon us, someone turned on the light.

and i'm so happy that it did.


E.

when one door closes, another one opens.

i guess its in times of need like these that you find out just who your true friends really are.

well, you? you're definitely not. in fact, if there were one word to describe you, it would be pathetic.

"everyone is a friend, until they prove otherwise"

it didn't take you very much (or very long) to prove your allegiance to your own selfish being rather than me. there was once a time where i would've done anything for you, given you the shirt off my back if you had nothing else, but next time you call me and you need something, i'll remember exactly how you responded to me. i won't care.

but to the rest of you, the people i have known for the least amount of time, i couldn't be more grateful.

"a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out"

thankyou.

E.

i'm not saying its none of my fault, i'm just saying that its not all my fault.

you made the false assumptions, the false accusations and you drew the false conclusions.

you couldn't just be happy for me.

E.

if there's one thing that i learnt this afternoon, its that butter knives don't make the cut.


E.

yes, i lied. so i wasn't with this her afternoon, i was with him.

but you know what? the fact that you rang her to check where i was before you even rang me suggests that you never trusted me in the first place.


E.

this is your life.

I'll never be your mother's favourite,
your daddy can't even look me in the eye.
if i was in their shoes i'd be doing the same thing,
saying 'there goes my little girl walking with that troublesome guy'.

but they're just afraid of something they can't understand,
oh well little darlin' watch me change their minds,
yeh for you i'll try, i'll try, i'll try,
i'll pick up these broken pieces til i'm bleeding if that'll make you mine.


E.

this was never about him.

but you made it about him.

and now, you've broken down because you can't handle your emotions. you're irrational.

and its no longer about me, its about you.


E.

where do we go from here?

there are some people you would do anything for, go to the ends of the earth for. fight for, die for.

that is, until they stop caring.

E.

the 10 and the 2 is the loneliest sight

right when i needed you the most, you weren't there. i'm surrounded by people and yet, i've never felt so alone.

and as for you? well, i dislike you. not in that sense, but because you know exactly how to read me. 99.9% of everything you said was true, even though i hate to admit it. i also hate that i don't not care, or rather, that i can't not care.

but i still hate your attitude in all of this, because you don't care.

E.

love me like the world is ending

i don't think i've ever had anyone love me as much as you do.

its because i wear my heart on my sleeve, just the same as you.


E.

you know what annoys me the most? the carelessness in all of this. the 'invincibilty' that you perceive of yourself.

you were once a part of the deepest and darkest corners of the world, of your mind and soul, where nothing was worth the effort of breathing. but whether you realise it or not, you'll soon actually see the consequences of that thinking if you don't stop.

if it were raining, no one would know that i was crying.

i guess you'll never understand the position you've put me in. maybe one day, you'll stop being the unwarranted selfish and arrogant prick that you sometimes are, and you'll see that in fact, the world doesn't revolve around you, that there are others that love you.

you've got to believe it to see it.


E.

what do you do when the one person you love more than anything else in the world doesn't love himself?

'i do it for you'

but it won't work unless you do it for yourself.


E.

He who hesitates is lost.
-----
A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
-----
Success rests not only on ability, but upon commitment, loyalty, and pride.
-----
Today’s preparation determines tomorrow's achievement.
-----
Failure will not overcome me so long as my will to succeed is stronger.
-----
Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.
-----
That which does not kill me will only make me stronger.
-----
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
-----
I'd rather fail, than live the rest of my life not trying.


E.

and all it took was an apology, a hug that lasted for eternity all sealed with a kiss. it was then that i had reclaimed my rightful place in your arms.


because i'm still learning the art of love,
i'm still trying to not mess up,
so whenever i stumble, let me know.


E.

i step outside my minds eyes for a minute
and i look over me like a doctor looking for disease
for something that could ease the pain
but nothing cures the hurt that you, you bring on by yourself...


what am i afraid of exactly? who knows.
but what i do know is that i've acted selfishly whilst all this time, you've been selfless.

maybe its time i grew up and started to realise that in fact, the past shouldn't matter, especially if its small and insignificant in comparison.

that's why its in the past.

as soon as i said the words, i wanted to take them back. its been less than 24 hours and already i want them back. i'm sorry.

amazingly enough though, you're still fighting for me. why? i'll never know. maybe its time i grew up and put it behind me, because the shadows are beginning to creep into the present, and its beginning to scare me.


E.

people will forget what you did and forget what you said, but you need to remember, they will never forget how you made them feel.


E.

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

take responsibility for your past, accept it for what it was and learn from your mistakes, but by no means should you live by it. live for today, dream for tomorrow and you will be a better person for it.


E.

the only exception

i have a feeling that this is going to be one of those 'you weren't there, you wouldn't know' type of things. but you know what? thats ok, because i have a real feeling that this time, those words will actually mean something.
it all happened so quickly and yet, somehow, i don't feel scared or confused. i feel like it's been unfolding for months. weird huh? and i've been thinking lately that the only reason why this is so, is because we both want the same thing. we both want the love and respect everyone deserves, especially the good.

and what we've both learned from each others past? you've got to experience the bad to be able to appreciate the good.


E.

'cause holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts

its not that i wouldn't say it, it's that i couldn't.

they say that time will heal all wounds, but i don't have that much time. so i've taken the initiative to stitch them up myself in an attempt to forget the past and live for the future.

because the risk is all worth it.


E.

i told myself that i would learn from last times mistakes, and i think i have. i find myself instinctively scrupulous with every step, pulling apart everything you say, analysing the pieces for the truth and the lies.

but after all that heartache and despair, i somehow feel like i don't need to be careful with you, because you've been through the same experiences as me (where the scars are still raw).

its like by chance, we've both encountered each other on the same page, reading the same book.


E.

i know you're hating on me at the moment and to be honest, i really don't blame you for it.

but hating on me for something thats not my fault? its just making me feel like shit, because i can't talk to you about any of it.

would you still hate me if it didn't go your way?


E.

why is it that the good things in life are never simple?

because i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't.


E.

the war within yourself

it starts with the casual conversations. the 'how are you?' 'how was your day?'

and then hidden feelings begin to weave their way through an emotional kindred web. the innocent yet flirtatious comments, the laughs and the smiles. then, the surfaces begin to peel away and geniality, altruism, passion and love fight their way to the surface.

but i've felt like this before (and look how that turned out).

what ever happened to learning from your mistakes?


E.

i feel like i really want to get to know you.

but then its you thats stuck in the back of my mind. still angry perhaps, or maybe i still care? clearly not as much now as i did then, because it was then that i realised that you weren't so great after all.

now i'm just waiting for everyone to tell me that i was wrong. Not because i couldn't, but because i wouldn't say no.


"but they weren't there..."


E.

fire away

i'm bulletproof, nothing to lose...i am titanium.

but i feel like glass, just like the bottles piling up beside me.


E.

i don't think i'll tell you anymore. clearly, you can quite easily manage turning the trivial into the dramatic with just one sentence. like, what the fuck?

i'll just bottle it all up. you should be about to relate quite well to that.


E.

sound of silence

"hello darkness my old friend,
i've come to talk with you again."

i've never heard silence this loud. a sadistic and vulgar noise that continually resonates through my mind, reverberating through the fissures of my consciousness, opening rifts that i never thought could exist.

in short: it hurts.

i think we can put behind us all this bullshit and go back to the way things were before: great friends, maybe even best friends (but maybe that's only my wish). however at the same time, i get the feeling that i'm the only one stuck in the past. am i right?

simply, friends don't do this shit. but if there is one thing that i want you to understand, it's the fact that although i was/am upset and angry, i need you to believe me when i say that nothing has changed, in both feelings and opinions.

although this chapter in the book is finally over, i haven't written you out just yet.



E.

i think we're playing the same game here and i'm tired of it already.
(or maybe you're just sick of the bullshit...perhaps both?)

but i'm also tired of compromising.

E.

whatever, seriously. But you will never use that pathetic excuse with me ever again. it means nothing to me anymore.



but on a side note, to everyone out there who doesn't know what it feels like: there's nothing worse than being in love alone. fact.


E.

i've got to tell you, i'm not handling this very well. in fact, i'm not handling it at all.

but i'll do it, just for you, because it's what you want need.


E.

i don't like being told how to feel. i just need someone to listen, just for a moment.

simply lend me your ear and your warm embrace. that's all i ask.


E.

yep, don't mind me. just another day of shitty uncertainty.

where's a razor blade to accompany this blog when you need one...


E.

And suddenly I become a part of your past,
I'm becoming the part that don't last,
I'm losing you and its effortless.
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around,
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down,
I won't let it go down til we torch it ourselves.


E.

should i give up?
or should just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads no where?


E.

there has been no harder battle than the one in my head.


E.

today, was a good day, and that is all.


E.

why do i feel like this?

i mean, i've felt like this before. but this constant state of depression has been going on for weeks and i can't tell if its just me, or if its actually you. or maybe you. or even you.

we're both busy people, but even then, i feel as though something has changed between us. like we're drifting further away from each other, and i hate it, but i can't quite put my finger on it.

i always knew that this difference in the magnitude of feeling was stronger one way than the other. its been like that from the beginning. i'm afraid that if i tell you this, you're whole perspective of me will change, like i'm some mad insecure bitch. although i can assure you that that's not the real me, but its definitely how i feel at the moment (and that's what i can't explain).

all i can do is cry myself to sleep.

and its days of uncertainty like these that make me want to curl up in a cold, dark hole away from the rest of the world, and just die.


E.

it's crucial that i'm the one in control, otherwise it's me thats going to get hurt.

slowly slipping.

selfish perhaps, but put yourself in my shoes: self-preservation is just an instinct.

and if you still can't understand that, then i want my shoes back.


E.

i'm only human,
i've got a skeleton in me,
but I'm not the villain,
despite what you're always preaching.


E.

up on melancholy hill

i hate it when you get frustrated like this, because i never know whether you're telling me the truth, or if it's something else you're angry at.

i could've so easily bitten your head off. but i couldn't bear another fight as bad as last time.

what if it's me he's angry at? i guess its seems like the 'in' thing at the moment.

someone, tell me, what am i doing wrong?


E.

Je ne sais pas ce qu'il faut croire plus.

ce qui s'est passé?

E.

i often get criticised for how obvious my blog is, who and what its about. its all a matter of opinion i guess.

but the truth wasn't meant to be hidden behind an array of tales and riddles, just told.


E.

the pursuit of happiness

i always know exactly what i want to tell you. yet somehow, whenever you're here, the words get lost and i can't seem to articulate my true feelings. don't hate me for it, because in fact, i hate myself for it. its hypocritical if you think about it. i yearn so much for your truth, but my feelings just seem to get bottled up and thrown away. i want to hug you, tell its all going to be ok, instead of standing there like a statue, emotionless and static. its unnatural and i want so much to change it.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that when i saw you for the first time in 3 weeks, my heart skipped a beat. there's something about your embrace that makes me feel happy, like an impenetrable fortress that shelters from the reality of the world outside it. i only wish it never had to end.

i wanted to tell you how much i really missed you, not that i "just did". however, that would seem desperate and weak, and i hate showing weakness. but i've never shown so much weakness within myself to anyone than i have with you. i've never cried so hard nor laughed so hard with anyone else, emotions that sway like a time pendulum. but i finally realised that although there are times when im sad with you, i'm miserable without you.

some people spend their whole lives searching for that one special true friend. i found one after only 19 years. you're the most precious of friends i have ever had and eventually, these words will be spoken. when i find the right words.


E.

a whisper & a clamour

2 words: laughably childish.

and i would say it to your face, but you haven't been here for the past 2 weeks. or if you have, you've been busy, just like me. maybe that's the real reason for your bitterness.

don't talk to me until you man up and grow a pair, because this is just ridiculous.


E.

opinions aren't facts, take them in and let them go.


E.

1000 sundowns

why does it have to be so hard?


E.

where'd you go?

i can't help but feel that you're a little bit jealous.

although, i'm not surprised, i would be too.
in fact, i've been there and i know exactly how it feels.

but don't let it get to you, because life wouldn't be the same without you.


E.

a light that never goes out

i tell myself that i have to stay busy if i have any chance of keeping it together.

but lets face it--its not working.
even when i'm distracted, you're just a thought away.



E.

postcards from far away

'to travel is better than to arrive'

so often, we believe that there is only one path to live our dreams. but too often we focus so hard on that one path, we forget all the others.

just once, i'd like to take the scenic route.

call it a cliché, but i realise now that its the journey--not the destination--that counts. sometimes, you just have to trust that the future will work out how its supposed to.

and if it doesn't?

well then, i guess it's all just a part of the journey.


E.

5 days down and i'm already (and still) a mess.

pourquoi est-il que si difficile de vous oublier?

because of this, i've decided that its too hard to try and forget. instead, i want to look forward to the end of another 8 days, just so i can tell you the decision i made long before you left.

and i can be happy.


E.

its pathetic how long it took me to decide. to realise.

a sudden realisation that once upon a time, i was truly happy. that the only reason why i ever started to question this was because you started to doubt yourself, resurrecting the deep and confounding feelings that i blame for this regress.

i thought that it would be a good time to try and forget. to 'experiment' and see if i could live without, following the hypothesis that eventually, time would heal everything.

but i was wrong. distance and time hasn't changed a thing, and i'm too relentless for even that to change.

and it makes me want to shake myself and contemplate 'why was there any doubt at all?'



E.

life is not a guarantee of success, but rather the promise of opportunities.

unlimited opportunities.


E.

c'est la vie

sometimes in life, the things worth dying for are the things worth living for.

nobody will ever understand what this is, because they weren't there.


E.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause – there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of disprized love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action...
Be all my sins remembered."


E.

snakes and ladders

to sleep well is a wonderful thing. to completely switch your brain off and pretend that nothing has happened. its blissful.

(and then here comes the 'but')

as soon as you wake up, all that emotion inundates your mind and bliss turns to heartache once again.

is it human nature to turn jealous? well if it is, it can go fuck itself.
i wish it had never happened, but most of all, i just wish i never saw it happen. actions speak louder than words, and its times like these where my photographic memory is a burden on my life. now, i feel as though everything that we've achieved, especially in the past month, has fallen down the drain and we're back at square one.

its like a neverending game of snakes and ladders.

they say i should move on from this, get over it and do what i think is right for me. the only problem is however, is that what is right is not the same as what i want, and i'm sick of not having what i want.

i want so badly to scream at you. pound your chest and tell you that you're just wrong, because if you really care about someone, then none of what you doubt should matter at all.

but i can't tell you anymore, because you're just as stubborn as i am.


E.

i don't understand. what is your perogative?

trust takes a lifetime to build and only a second to break.

and what gets to me the most, is that you spent the entire time acting like you didn't care, like the words that were spoken just hours before meant absolutely nothing to you.

and you know what?
after that little stunt, i find it hard to believe that they do.


E.

i wish you would pause for just one second, so i can tell you how much i've missed you too.


E.

my head says no, but my heart says yes.


E.

sometimes, i get so apprehensive that i wonder whether or not its all worth it.

and then other times, i know i wouldn't have it any other way, and its those times that make up for all the doubt clouding my mind.


E.

not a day goes by

its the one thing i hate about this time of year.

the feeling that no matter what you do, it never feels like its enough. no matter how much you achieve, there will always be that little voice in your head telling you that you didn't work hard enough.

then the blame game starts.

do i blame someone? something? somewhere? all of the above?

but thats a bit naive, because i know that the only direction the fingers will be pointing, will be at me.


E.

its a shame we can't all be perfect and get what we want.


but i can do things you couldn't dream of being able to do.


E.

oxymoron

why do we always have to fight for the good things in life?

i guess if we didn't have to fight for them, then they wouldn't be so good.
but i'm so tired of fighting all the time, struggling to get what i want. i'm tired of always being the one that helps others rather than the one that is being helped. Is being smart all there is to me? its a bubble i am longing to burst, but somehow, i don't have the strength to make it happen.

its what i want and i can't fight for it.

but when the help was there, i didn't know what to feel, because crying into your shoulder was the best feeling in the world.


E.

although it's been understood and set out in stone, it hurts now more than ever.

but no one can save me now —i've already started to fall.


E.

over thinking

Je ne savais pas quoi dire. avez-vous voulez de le dire ou que tu viens de le dire?

ne le dis pas sauf si vous êtes sérieux à ce sujet.

mais peut-être vous avez eu raison. Je suis peut-être dans le déni de toute cette affaire et en fait, je l'aime aussi.

éperdument amoureux.


E.

you are amazing, and that is all.


E.

you don't even have to try to make me smile.

so stop trying.


E.

there are no excuses for the way i treated you. its a side of me that i neither like nor understand, and i try so hard to suppress it.

but please, never underestimate how much it means to me that you're always there for me.

and never underestimate how sorry i am right now. i will never forgive myself.

you deserve better.


E.

riding high

congratulations, thats really amazing (and i genuinely mean it when i say that).

but the way you rubbed it in like that? honestly, it was a very poor choice of words.


E.

too late for heroes

it was all just a bit fun.

and although its absolutely meaningless, i can't help but feel that its times like these that you realise who your true friends are. it hurts, because all those years ago, i thought we had something.

but i guess i was wrong.



E.

lead balloon

upset. angry. confused.

i just hit a new low.


E.

just a feeling

i can't leave. i don't want to let go of you.

believe me when i say that those words are like music to my ears.

lost in the moment. ecstasy. everything i've ever stood for means nothing. and your yearning for security? for once, to be sheltered from the reality that we call life.

vulnerable. weak. uncontrollable. or is that our excuse for us to hide from la vérité?

perdu dans chaque bras de l'autre pour seulement une brève seconde.

and this is where its my turn to confess: tu me manqueras aussi.


E.

i don't know what to think. i never do with you.

maybe i should just stop thinking...


E.

se cacher derrière un sourire

you really make me angry sometimes.

you know why?

because you think its always about you. My life and the thoughts and decisions of it don't revolve around you, so stop assuming that they do.

i am the master of my fate, i am the captain of my soul.

so tell me, what happens when the day comes and you're no longer top?

"When men are most sure and arrogant they are commonly mistaken, giving views to passion without the proper deliberation which alone can secure them from the grossest absurdities."

conceit, my good friend, will be the culprit of your demise, and although i'll make sure i'm there to catch you when it all comes crashing down, i won't forget to say 'i told you so'.



E.

you belong here

regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.


E.

go fish

diabolical plan #1 successfully executed (we are so terrible yet so funny.)

and i think i remember a little bit more than i would've like to. lulz.


E.

set fire to the rain

why is it so difficult for you to understand that i just don't like you?

well yes, i love you, but thats obligatory.

but if we were in the school yard and i was alone and i saw you across the playground, i still wouldn't talk to you.
the drama that you create is so unnecessary and its cluttering my life. modesty isn't a word in your dictionary and you're always right. it's everyones fault but yours.

always right, no matter what.

*checks to see if eligible for youth allowance*
nope, still not. thanks dad.

the countdown has begun for when i finish this degree, and then i'll be gone.


E.

de temps en temps

why do i feel so empty?

pourquoi? je sais. c'est parce que tu n'es pas ici.

Je savais que ça ne durerait pas.


E.

ordinary people

you weren't there to witness the other half of my life, the part where i didn't even exist.

and you're right. half the time, i don't even know what you're talking about. but like you once said to me: life has only just begun, and i've made the most of a fresh start.

but i still don't feel like i'm living.

and just so you know, those feelings of jealousy are often reciprocated.



E.

do you recall what Pandora left at the bottom of her box?


hope.


E.

half of my heart

'you know what your problem is? you can't take a compliment'

because i've been lied to so many times that the line between truth and fiction has been blurred beyond repair.


E.

we'll make the great escape

you said all the right things and pressed all the right buttons.

but how am i supposed to explain it to them if i can't even explain it to myself?


E.

control

i saw this coming eventually.

here we go again.

but how can i not? i can't talk to you, because you're the problem.


E.

what is meant for you will not pass you by

perhaps, but i could sure use a detour right now.


E.

you're right you know (and you know it, as always), and i knew that as soon as i'd said it, it was the wrong thing to say. unfair.

so i guess it's time for me to 'man-up' (and perhaps buy a dictionary). as i swallow my pride and drop myself down a peg or two (or several for that matter), i'll tell you and anyone who wants to know that i was wrong and that i fucked up (which you may be interested to know is why that no longer exists).


i suppose one thing i've learnt in the past 24 hours is that words hurt, and i mean really hurt. like shards of glass, they'll cut you to pieces and throw you to the vultures.
its a feeling you will never get used to. ever.

and no matter how many times you say sorry, it is never lost.

no matter how much i care about you: forgiven but not forgotten.

but then again, thats just me.


E.

it was something we had to have together.

but we're better for it.


E.

you could not be any more insenstive, so shallow. could you get any more hypocritical? i wouldn't even say that to my best friend, let alone you. where do you get off coming onto me like that? speaking to me like that?

i can take a joke, but when i tell you to 'fuck off', it usually means i'm being serious. i wasn't kidding when i said i didn't want it to be like that. don't, not even for one second think that just because we have been there that it should go there EVERY single time. i still have some dignity left you know.

and telling me not to hold back? hold back? you may not be lying to me, but you're certainly not telling me the whole truth.

you know what i see this is as? i see this as it already is, but you're in denial. everyone can see it but you. are you so blind?

i can't??

you're always asking me what i'm thinking, wanting to know the smallest detail in the deepest crevaces of my soul.
so you know what i think?

i think you won't.

so tell me, trust me. i've let you in, why can't you?


E.

i have to keep telling myself that this is open and that there is no obligation. I feel as though i have to justify my actions to myself, even to you.

i kind of feel guilty, because the vibe that i'm getting right now is that you're jealous.

but you know what?
thats a bit unfair, because you were the one that wanted it this way.


E.

please, i beg you, don't leave me.

because even though you're still here, i'm missing you already, and those aforementioned feelings of doubt are beginning to disappear.

grant my last request and just let me hold you.


E.

and the one thing i take from this?

at least we're all on the same page here, otherwise that would just be awkward.

but you want to know my first reaction when i woke up this morning?
i laughed.
why?
because it was the most fun i have ever had out, and it takes the best of friends to make that happen.


E.

you must care, otherwise you wouldn't have said yes.


E.

i'ver never felt this overwhelmed with work ever in my life. not even in year 12.

why? has all the shit thats going on in my life really out done me?

its getting out of control and i don't know how to fix it.

but a part of me likes this new 'greyness' thats blurred into my life. Somehow, it's become more exciting and fun. to be honest, its the best thing that could have ever happened to me. but the boring and 'black and white' side of me is screaming from neglect.

they weren't kidding when they said the devil was temptation.

its a delicate balance of 'good vs bad' i have yet to master.


E.

its not fair for me to regret anything (and i don't), because at the time, it was all i wanted to do.

but why do i get the feeling that this means absolutely nothing to you? like we're not on the same page?
i told myself i wouldn't let this happen. but as usual, my ability to control myself has let me down again. you wanted to know why i keep my emotions bottled up?
alors, c'est parce qu'il est trop difficile pour comprendre. ou peut-être, c'est parce que je ne veux pas comprendre parce qu'il me fait trop mal.

it's my lack of self confidence that yearns for reassurance.


E.

even though we never saw eye to eye, when someone you know personally dies so tragically, you can't help but feel affected.

i thought i'd never hear from you again. I'd heard the rumours about how your life had turned out and to be brutally honest, i wasn't surprised and to be even more brutal, i didn't care. but at 22, you had so much to live for and you threw it all away.

but most of all, i really feel for your family, because one cannot begin to imagine what they're going through right now. They're lives have been torn apart, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

RIP hamish.


E.

you just can't keep your mouth shut, can you?

just for future reference: this is how trust gets broken.


E.

i don't mean to be a bitch to you but when you're drunk, a lot of shit gets thrown around.

you're my friend and i in no way wish to say those thing in a malicious tone. if you dish it out, you should be able to take it. I'll take anything that we throw at each other (because that's what friends do).
truthfully, i'm embarrassed. it's the kind of stuff that people throw around the school yard. what are we, twelve?

and although you say you don't care, i know you really do.

so if i hurt you in any way, i'm sorry.


E.

so this is definitely looking like 'friends with benefits' right now, even though we're both denying it to each other.
but what do you call it when there's an emotional attachment, but you're not together? (just to put it lightly...this shit is fucked.)

and i know i said i didn't want to go there, but i think for now, i'm happy just to enjoy being with you.


E.

well that's 6 hours of my life that i'll never get back.


E.

i know you're going to find this post eventually, so i thought i'd challenge you and at least write it in french :P




Je peux enfin dormir maintenant, sachant ce qui se passe dans ta tête.
mais s'il te plaît ne pas me confondre avec les chiennes stupide que vous avez déjà daté, je comprends. mais tu devrais me laisser vous aider à le comprendre. Je veux t'aider.

Je ne peux pas décrire ce que j'ai ressenti lorsque vous avez ouvert à moi comme ça. pour quelqu'un de faire confiance à quelqu'un comme ça prend beaucoup de courage, et je respecte cela. Je respecte tes mœurs, les croyances et l'éducation. Je peux m'identifier à eux.
tu ne devrais pas avoir honte de la personne que tu étais devenu. changer les gens et de ses périodes de changement de ce genre que vous trouver qui se soucie vraiment de toi. Croyez-moi quand je dis que je sais exactement comment il se sent.

et que pour ma vie est en noir et blanc? Je ne pouvais pas être plus d'accord et je le déteste. mais la nuit dernière, il a été brièvement gris et il a été l'une des meilleures soirées de ma vie entière. et la meilleure partie, c'était que je suis arrivé à la passer avec toi.
et juste entre toi et moi, j'espère que ce n'est pas la dernière.

peu importe ce qui se passe, il n'ya pas de regrets.


E.

its no longer a question of why anymore.

right now, questions of what are running riot in my mind.


E.

seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
sometimes its hard to follow your heart.


E.

"cmon, you have a serious ranga/strawberry blonde fettish!"

hahaha, this is true. but someones gotta show them some love :P


E.

losing control like that was the scariest thing i have ever felt.

but i was free.


E.

what is meant for you will not pass you by

or maybe we're just too weak to create our own destiny.


E.

i've come to the conclusion that being confused is the worst feeling in the world.
or rather, perhaps i've been confusing 'confused' with 'paranoia'...

*cue the philisophical thinking music*

is there a difference? maybe we mask our fear with being confused, because it makes us look better. trying to understand is somehow more socially accepted than not understanding at all.
but really, its nothing more than a feeling of insecurity and inferiority, no matter how many ways you try and read it.

so, in an attempt to not sound stupid, i'm trying to understand this (but really, i don't understand at all. following so far?)
so help me understand.

it's the fear of the unknown.


E.

the following dream freaked me out so much that i had an epiphany :S


so it starts out that i am a member of Dr. House's team (random?) with the rest of the usual team and we're all looking at our GAMSAT results. now, i'm already a doctor in this dream, so why i'd be doing this i have no idea. BUT knowing that i require a score of 50 in all sections of the test to get into medicine, we were all discussing. i open my envelope only to find that i achieved the monumental score of '2.84' whilst everyone else got 50's and 60's.


i think it's time i started cramming for this thing.


E.

j'espère que tu comprends qu'il n'a pas à être comme ça.

mais tu ne peux pas avoir les deux.


E.

to love is to risk not being loved in return. to hope is to risk pain. to try is to risk failure. but risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all.


E.

"this year is going to be a good year"

yes, it will be ;)


E.