go fish

diabolical plan #1 successfully executed (we are so terrible yet so funny.)

and i think i remember a little bit more than i would've like to. lulz.


E.

set fire to the rain

why is it so difficult for you to understand that i just don't like you?

well yes, i love you, but thats obligatory.

but if we were in the school yard and i was alone and i saw you across the playground, i still wouldn't talk to you.
the drama that you create is so unnecessary and its cluttering my life. modesty isn't a word in your dictionary and you're always right. it's everyones fault but yours.

always right, no matter what.

*checks to see if eligible for youth allowance*
nope, still not. thanks dad.

the countdown has begun for when i finish this degree, and then i'll be gone.


E.

de temps en temps

why do i feel so empty?

pourquoi? je sais. c'est parce que tu n'es pas ici.

Je savais que ça ne durerait pas.


E.

ordinary people

you weren't there to witness the other half of my life, the part where i didn't even exist.

and you're right. half the time, i don't even know what you're talking about. but like you once said to me: life has only just begun, and i've made the most of a fresh start.

but i still don't feel like i'm living.

and just so you know, those feelings of jealousy are often reciprocated.



E.

do you recall what Pandora left at the bottom of her box?


hope.


E.

half of my heart

'you know what your problem is? you can't take a compliment'

because i've been lied to so many times that the line between truth and fiction has been blurred beyond repair.


E.

we'll make the great escape

you said all the right things and pressed all the right buttons.

but how am i supposed to explain it to them if i can't even explain it to myself?


E.

control

i saw this coming eventually.

here we go again.

but how can i not? i can't talk to you, because you're the problem.


E.

what is meant for you will not pass you by

perhaps, but i could sure use a detour right now.


E.

you're right you know (and you know it, as always), and i knew that as soon as i'd said it, it was the wrong thing to say. unfair.

so i guess it's time for me to 'man-up' (and perhaps buy a dictionary). as i swallow my pride and drop myself down a peg or two (or several for that matter), i'll tell you and anyone who wants to know that i was wrong and that i fucked up (which you may be interested to know is why that no longer exists).


i suppose one thing i've learnt in the past 24 hours is that words hurt, and i mean really hurt. like shards of glass, they'll cut you to pieces and throw you to the vultures.
its a feeling you will never get used to. ever.

and no matter how many times you say sorry, it is never lost.

no matter how much i care about you: forgiven but not forgotten.

but then again, thats just me.


E.

it was something we had to have together.

but we're better for it.


E.

you could not be any more insenstive, so shallow. could you get any more hypocritical? i wouldn't even say that to my best friend, let alone you. where do you get off coming onto me like that? speaking to me like that?

i can take a joke, but when i tell you to 'fuck off', it usually means i'm being serious. i wasn't kidding when i said i didn't want it to be like that. don't, not even for one second think that just because we have been there that it should go there EVERY single time. i still have some dignity left you know.

and telling me not to hold back? hold back? you may not be lying to me, but you're certainly not telling me the whole truth.

you know what i see this is as? i see this as it already is, but you're in denial. everyone can see it but you. are you so blind?

i can't??

you're always asking me what i'm thinking, wanting to know the smallest detail in the deepest crevaces of my soul.
so you know what i think?

i think you won't.

so tell me, trust me. i've let you in, why can't you?


E.

i have to keep telling myself that this is open and that there is no obligation. I feel as though i have to justify my actions to myself, even to you.

i kind of feel guilty, because the vibe that i'm getting right now is that you're jealous.

but you know what?
thats a bit unfair, because you were the one that wanted it this way.


E.

please, i beg you, don't leave me.

because even though you're still here, i'm missing you already, and those aforementioned feelings of doubt are beginning to disappear.

grant my last request and just let me hold you.


E.

and the one thing i take from this?

at least we're all on the same page here, otherwise that would just be awkward.

but you want to know my first reaction when i woke up this morning?
i laughed.
why?
because it was the most fun i have ever had out, and it takes the best of friends to make that happen.


E.

you must care, otherwise you wouldn't have said yes.


E.

i'ver never felt this overwhelmed with work ever in my life. not even in year 12.

why? has all the shit thats going on in my life really out done me?

its getting out of control and i don't know how to fix it.

but a part of me likes this new 'greyness' thats blurred into my life. Somehow, it's become more exciting and fun. to be honest, its the best thing that could have ever happened to me. but the boring and 'black and white' side of me is screaming from neglect.

they weren't kidding when they said the devil was temptation.

its a delicate balance of 'good vs bad' i have yet to master.


E.

its not fair for me to regret anything (and i don't), because at the time, it was all i wanted to do.

but why do i get the feeling that this means absolutely nothing to you? like we're not on the same page?
i told myself i wouldn't let this happen. but as usual, my ability to control myself has let me down again. you wanted to know why i keep my emotions bottled up?
alors, c'est parce qu'il est trop difficile pour comprendre. ou peut-être, c'est parce que je ne veux pas comprendre parce qu'il me fait trop mal.

it's my lack of self confidence that yearns for reassurance.


E.