today, was a good day, and that is all.


E.

why do i feel like this?

i mean, i've felt like this before. but this constant state of depression has been going on for weeks and i can't tell if its just me, or if its actually you. or maybe you. or even you.

we're both busy people, but even then, i feel as though something has changed between us. like we're drifting further away from each other, and i hate it, but i can't quite put my finger on it.

i always knew that this difference in the magnitude of feeling was stronger one way than the other. its been like that from the beginning. i'm afraid that if i tell you this, you're whole perspective of me will change, like i'm some mad insecure bitch. although i can assure you that that's not the real me, but its definitely how i feel at the moment (and that's what i can't explain).

all i can do is cry myself to sleep.

and its days of uncertainty like these that make me want to curl up in a cold, dark hole away from the rest of the world, and just die.


E.

it's crucial that i'm the one in control, otherwise it's me thats going to get hurt.

slowly slipping.

selfish perhaps, but put yourself in my shoes: self-preservation is just an instinct.

and if you still can't understand that, then i want my shoes back.


E.

i'm only human,
i've got a skeleton in me,
but I'm not the villain,
despite what you're always preaching.


E.

up on melancholy hill

i hate it when you get frustrated like this, because i never know whether you're telling me the truth, or if it's something else you're angry at.

i could've so easily bitten your head off. but i couldn't bear another fight as bad as last time.

what if it's me he's angry at? i guess its seems like the 'in' thing at the moment.

someone, tell me, what am i doing wrong?


E.

Je ne sais pas ce qu'il faut croire plus.

ce qui s'est passé?

E.

i often get criticised for how obvious my blog is, who and what its about. its all a matter of opinion i guess.

but the truth wasn't meant to be hidden behind an array of tales and riddles, just told.


E.

the pursuit of happiness

i always know exactly what i want to tell you. yet somehow, whenever you're here, the words get lost and i can't seem to articulate my true feelings. don't hate me for it, because in fact, i hate myself for it. its hypocritical if you think about it. i yearn so much for your truth, but my feelings just seem to get bottled up and thrown away. i want to hug you, tell its all going to be ok, instead of standing there like a statue, emotionless and static. its unnatural and i want so much to change it.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that when i saw you for the first time in 3 weeks, my heart skipped a beat. there's something about your embrace that makes me feel happy, like an impenetrable fortress that shelters from the reality of the world outside it. i only wish it never had to end.

i wanted to tell you how much i really missed you, not that i "just did". however, that would seem desperate and weak, and i hate showing weakness. but i've never shown so much weakness within myself to anyone than i have with you. i've never cried so hard nor laughed so hard with anyone else, emotions that sway like a time pendulum. but i finally realised that although there are times when im sad with you, i'm miserable without you.

some people spend their whole lives searching for that one special true friend. i found one after only 19 years. you're the most precious of friends i have ever had and eventually, these words will be spoken. when i find the right words.


E.

a whisper & a clamour

2 words: laughably childish.

and i would say it to your face, but you haven't been here for the past 2 weeks. or if you have, you've been busy, just like me. maybe that's the real reason for your bitterness.

don't talk to me until you man up and grow a pair, because this is just ridiculous.


E.

opinions aren't facts, take them in and let them go.


E.

1000 sundowns

why does it have to be so hard?


E.

where'd you go?

i can't help but feel that you're a little bit jealous.

although, i'm not surprised, i would be too.
in fact, i've been there and i know exactly how it feels.

but don't let it get to you, because life wouldn't be the same without you.


E.

a light that never goes out

i tell myself that i have to stay busy if i have any chance of keeping it together.

but lets face it--its not working.
even when i'm distracted, you're just a thought away.



E.