don't talk down to me like i'm an ill educated bogan.
i do have a degree of intelligence you know.

so blinded by their own arrogance that no one could possibly be as good as them.


E.

Numerous are they who unknowingly pass through paradise. Only as youth begins to be a memory do most of us, if lucky, begin to see its golden glow, as something uniquely precious.


E.

forget the pain.
forget the tears.
forget the loss of income.
forget being totally and utterly stooged.

you want to know what i truly find most frustrating and upsetting?
there is nothing i can do about it.


E.

i like to think of myself as someone who is pretty good at reading people.

but you? you confuse me.

so where are we going exactly? is this all it will ever be? because its no secret that i want this to be more, and i don't do 'messing around'. but you? well i'm not entirely sure to be honest, and i hate not knowing.

but today was a surprise (and you know i love surprises). The whole time i was trying to work out whether or not that night was just another thing for you. but clearly, you like me too, otherwise you wouldn't have launched yourself at me as soon as the helicopter parents weren't looking.

so please, before i open up the 'awkward conversation' that is coupled with this stage in a relationship, pull yourself together. I want this to happen (and hopefully, you do too.)


E.

you meant so much to so many people. You touched the lives of everyone and left a mark with every step you took, every room you graced and every word you spoke.
i will never understand why you left us so tragically, so suddenly. Sometimes, i find myself angry and frustrated. how could you be so stupid? But i don't believe in accidents and as crude as this may sound, "...an accident is fate misnamed."

We may not have known each other very well, but know that i cried an ocean over you. In the few lucky times that i got to speak to you, i could not ignore that beautiful and so genuine smile that you possessed, the one that drew everyone to you.
2 years on and your memory is still raw in my heart--in everyones heart.
One can only hope that you've found what you were looking for, because paradise is where you belong.

rest in peace.


E.

i'm worried. extremely worried.

call me melodramatic if you wish, but you cannot fathom how much being able to play sport means to me.

and you? well, i've forgiven you. but i will never forget the way you treated me. ever.


E.

honestly, i couldn't have said it better myself.

don't say that it's an excuse. I confess that i have thought the same things. but you will find joy in the most unlikely of places, no matter what your expectations may be.

No one can ever understand themselves completely. anyone that says they can are delusional and are usually the ones that are the most confused. You are not here to live up to peoples expectations nor are we here to live up to yours. Though if we find each other, then that is beautiful. If not, then it was never meant to be.

but if there was one thing i could say to you, a piece of advice if you like, it would be this:

Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest and despair most sits.



E.

No matter how stunning you find someone or how perfect they are to you, they will always find a fault with themselves, a fault that you could never see.


E.

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness"


E.

you're right you know (as always). i'm not sure i can keep my word on this one. it's times like this that i wish i could follow my own advice and stop expecting so much from people.

but i keep telling myself that i have to control myself, otherwise i'll just end up being disappointed yet again (and i'm so tired of it).


E.

i'd just like to say that although we were surrounded by a hundred other sweaty tweenies in the trashiest nightclub ever, it was still nice.

and i guess the fact that you looked after me and treated me with respect means that although it may have been just a hook up, i know we'll be friends for a little longer yet.

so what happens now? don't think that just because you were my first that i'm going to become a clingy mess. but it would be nice to know that perhaps something could happen. eventually. but i do like you, that is definitely not a secret.
i think we'll just have to take it as it comes....



E.

"what do you want for your birthday? i feel bad for ditching you."

yeh sorry, friendship can't be bought back. i'm not as materialistic as you think.


E.

words cannot describe the bitter disappointment i felt when i knew you wouldn't be there.
and to tell you the truth, deep down inside, somehow, i knew you wouldn't be.
but i thought that the fact that it was my birthday and that i hadn't seen you in 5 months would be enough to get you out of bed. clearly, i was wrong.

if you never hear from me again, don't blame me. it's time i started streamlining my life and honestly, i still can't decide whether or not i still want you here. There's no point in me putting you as my priority when i'm only your option.
to put it bluntly, friends don't do that shit to each other.
It's times like this that people show their true colours. true friends are there for each other. always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't thank you enough for spending the day with me. It meant so much to me having someone who was willing to go the extra mile to do so. It's been barely a year, but you mean so much to me, and it means even more to me to know that you feel the same way. I had no idea until i read that so very thoughtful card you gave me, the part of the present that i truly value the most. In other words, i love you (in a strictly platonic sense of course...)and that, you will never be able 'to quantify' (as you so eloquently put it).

just so you know, I definitely still want you here.


"true friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. false friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere."


E.

so people think you're pretentious.
perhaps...
they're sick of keeping up with your high standards?
maybe...

but you know what? people who think they're not good enough for you usually aren't good enough for themselves.


E.

i shouldn't feel bad about what i've just done.

and you know what? i don't. that would have to be up there in 'funnest sober nights ever' (but i must say, getting felt up by the guy/girl behind you on the dancefloor is a completely different experience when you're sober...)

on the contrary, it is a little worrying when you weren't supposed to be there and yet, you know half the people there...talk about some serious déjà vu, that was like a high school reunion!

but i am kind of kicking myself a little bit to be perfectly honest with you. I wish i'd gotten to speak to you a little more, 'hook in' perhaps (figuratively or literally, who knows?) but meh, i guess that'll have to wait til next time.


E.

for the past 10-11 years, i've spent my life listening to people tell me that i'm too good for them.

around town, i'm the 'grammar rich bitch' and to be honest, its only the people of geelong that seem to have a problem with it.

i can't help the school that i went to. And no, i am NOT a rich bitch. I admit i live comfortably, with a nice house and nice car, but by no means am i rich. My parents worked extremely hard to send me to that school and i know i'll always be grateful for it.

but it's a stereotype which has followed me ever since i was 8 years old. The way i talk (only because i pronounce and innunciate correctly), the way i act and the things i buy (and someone has even pointed out my posture in this!) seem to be a catalyst. I thought that when i'd left that damned institution, i would leave this behind me. But actually, going to deakin hasn't changed it, and staying in geelong has made it far worse.

When its friends, we poke fun at each other as to who went to a private school and who went to a public school, and thats all cool. What i don't like, what i truly detest is when people judge me for it. I couldn't care less if you poke fun at the school i went to, but choose your words wisely when you think about judging me for it.

So if you think i'm too good for you, think again-- you may be just perfect for me.


E.

you have no idea how much i want to see where we can go together.

but you know what i'm most afraid of?
i'm afraid we'll reach a dead end sooner than i we wanted to.
or perhaps most of all, i'm afraid i'll push you away.

E.

there's no way i can blame my parents for what i'm about to do.

i think i'm going to blame you (and that's not such a bad thing).


E.