the pursuit of happiness

i always know exactly what i want to tell you. yet somehow, whenever you're here, the words get lost and i can't seem to articulate my true feelings. don't hate me for it, because in fact, i hate myself for it. its hypocritical if you think about it. i yearn so much for your truth, but my feelings just seem to get bottled up and thrown away. i want to hug you, tell its all going to be ok, instead of standing there like a statue, emotionless and static. its unnatural and i want so much to change it.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that when i saw you for the first time in 3 weeks, my heart skipped a beat. there's something about your embrace that makes me feel happy, like an impenetrable fortress that shelters from the reality of the world outside it. i only wish it never had to end.

i wanted to tell you how much i really missed you, not that i "just did". however, that would seem desperate and weak, and i hate showing weakness. but i've never shown so much weakness within myself to anyone than i have with you. i've never cried so hard nor laughed so hard with anyone else, emotions that sway like a time pendulum. but i finally realised that although there are times when im sad with you, i'm miserable without you.

some people spend their whole lives searching for that one special true friend. i found one after only 19 years. you're the most precious of friends i have ever had and eventually, these words will be spoken. when i find the right words.


E.